Chanoe van Dijk

Unhealthy relationship dynamic ; Fear of Commitment and Fear Of Abandonment

Fear of commitment and fear of abandonment are actually 2 sides of the same coin, the moment you attract someone who has fear of commitment, you also have a certain fear or unhealthy pattern in yourself that wants to be ‘lived out’. I can help you with this by giving you insights through a tarot reading + coaching and/or a healing. Sometimes we are not even aware of when this pattern originated, in many cases our parents also had such dynamics (dependency / toxic relationships) but in some cases it is something that lives mainly in you. Of course it all has to do with each other, as a soul we choose certain lessons and certain parents who ‘mirror’ us (again), so if you are insecurely attached, the upbringing is of course the cause of that, but there is often much more behind it, namely past lives. The greatest fears we have do not only come from this life and I have noticed working with clients that many older souls carry enormous ballast with them which can manifest itself in depression, anxiety disorders, panic attacks, unhealthy patterns such as unhealthy relationships (always choosing the same kind of partner who doesn’t appreciate you or where there is even psychological or physical abuse), complaints that resemble borderline also occur in my experience mainly in highly sensitive people who sometimes do not know what to do with themselves.​

Fear of commitment often stems from the fear of losing yourself in the relationship or losing the other person again (separation anxiety), often there is a lot of insecurity and self-doubt, so you don’t really think you are worthy of finding a good partner. This can cause you to withdraw when someone really wants you. Still, I want to add that if you attract someone with a fear of commitment that it is often a certain pattern, you fall for unattainable people because somewhere in yourself there is also a piece that is ’emotionally unattainable’, you don’t really dare to make the connection and you most likely also suffer from fear of commitment and/or fear of abandonment. After all, it is safer to go for someone who is not really available, so you never have to give everything of yourself and the other person does not really have expectations or the other person will never really go for you (this means that you can’t hurt or disappoint the other person, because he or she isn’t really ALL-IN with you and the relatiomship). You often feel responsible for the other person and are in the ‘caring’ role in relationships, time and time again you meet the same (kind of) person who doesn’t really see you or will never fully be committed.

Underneath the fear of losing yourself and/or losing the other person is often the fear of committing to a certain person because you have doubts about the feelings you have for the other person, is this person nice enough to spend the rest of my life with? Will he or she change eventually (negatively) or will the relationship become toxic? At the same time you might be scared that it is to good to be true. And these doubts come from a whole bunch of beliefs. I am convinced that, in short, it has to do with a lack of self-love, that you actually cannot imagine that someone really wants to go for you and that you therefore start to doubt, for example, the sincerity of someone or whether someone really is as nice as he/she pretends to be. Surely there must be something wrong with this person if he/she really wants to go for me?…

Not everyone will be aware of the deeper (unconscious) beliefs if you suffer from fear of commitment. I also have the feeling that fear of commitment is often a step worse than fear of abandonment, although in both cases you are not fully emotionally accessible, you are even less open with fear of commitment in my opinion.

You are more closed and are more in a kind of ‘survival mode’ due to, for example, certain traumas from your childhood / youth, or major disappointments from one or more previous relationships.

For those who suffer from separation anxiety;

These people often want to cling to someone and find it very difficult to release and trust someone completely. There is so much fear that someone will abandon you or that the relationship will end that you will often do everything you can to ‘save’ the relationship. Maybe you completely ignore yourself and constantly adapt yourself, it may also be that you ‘test’ people to see if they really love you (this can also happen with fear of commitment, and remember that these 2 often occur both, often there is fear of commitment and of abandonment). It is also possible that you unknowingly close yourself off a bit and do not fully allow the other person into your life, if you do not enter into the connection completely, you can subconsciously protect yourself more against a possible painful break up, should this ever happen…

Are you also tired of these patterns and would you like more insight into this? You can first request a tarot reading via whatsapp for 30 or 60 minutes, or book a reading by email, and then you can request a healing from me if you want to be helped further, insights can do a lot but deeper work also needs to be done if you want to let go of this pattern for once and for all.

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I’m Chanoe and from a young age I felt different. I have a deep interest in the meaning of life and how we can shape our lives the way we want through the Law of Attraction.

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