Are you dealing with someone who has a fear of commitment and are you tired of the eternal attraction and repulsion? Perhaps you are now looking for more information such as the cause, characteristics and how to solve it.

Often we only look at the other person and the way we feel completely depends on their behaviour, and we might also completely blame the other person for behaving like an ‘asshole’ until you eventually experience this pattern several times and perhaps start thinking why other people can find ‘happiness’ in a love relationship and you cannot. Why one disappointment after another comes your way that almost makes you think it can’t be a coincidence anymore….

I can tell you that it is no coincidence, you may have noticed it before, but how we look at life (our beliefs) largely determine our lives. Just look at how your day is when you woke up on the wrong side of the bed, you see and experience things differently than usual. Now suppose you live with unconscious beliefs and fears, your subconscious mind will do anything to protect you from ‘danger’, so suppose you subconsciously have a fear regarding relationships or actually connecting with someone (perhaps you fear that if someone really gets to know you that they don’t like you anymore or maybe you’re afraid that if you open up and it ends up being a disappointment you won’t get over it) chances are you will attract emotional unattainable partners all the time, because the moment someone is really emotionally available, your fear will get the upper hand and you will distance yourself from that person.

The cause of fear of commitment can be that you are insecurely attached because your parents did not give you the love you needed, you ‘adapt’ to survive and you actually protect yourself by having few expectations (this happens unconsciously, see it as a kind of ‘program’ within yourself), so it becomes ‘normal’ and it feels safe for you to receive little love. It will feel very unnatural if you are suddenly overwhelmed with compliments or love from the people around you, especially in a romantic relationship as this person is often the closest to us and knows the most about us. If you were not accepted or you were rejected by your parents, then the ‘most important’ people in your life have not even given you that love, subconsciously a child often thinks that it is his own fault, but in the worst case the parents also physically or mentally neglected or abused the child, so that it may even have been said (by your parents) that you are not worthy of love.

With fear of commitment you often see the pattern of attraction and repulsion, if one takes some distance (the ‘chaser’, the one with fear of abandonment) then the one with fear of commitment (the ‘runner’) seeks rapprochement. Often you also see these dynamics in soul connections such as with soul mates or twin flames, but it can also happen that it occurs in love relationships that are not ‘meant to be’ (karmic love) but are purely as a ‘lesson’ to break this pattern once and for all. The moment something changes in yourself and you are ready for that real connection, this person will disappear from your life, until then there is a good chance that the person with fear of commitment is leading on the person with fear of abandonment. In my opinion, it is always the case that both people have fears in a prolonged period of attraction and repulsion, someone who is not affected by this will not accept this ‘unhealthy’ pattern and will break the ‘relationship’ completely.

Causes of fear of commitment can be, for example..

-Adoption (if you are adopted this often has a lot of impact, even though you may have been adopted at a very young age)

Childhood traumas (causing you to be insecurely attached)

-Experienced a lot of negativity in love relationships

-Experienced great loss or other trauma that has affected confidence (in life or in love)

In addition, there are many more causes that I will write more about in another article….​

How can you treat fear of commitment?​

The answer is actually very simple but the process often takes a while, the answer is; self love and letting go of everything that is standing in the way of true love, and this can take months or years. My advice in this is to open up and become aware of your own patterns instead of focusing on what the other person is ‘doing wrong’, firstly because you cannot change the other person and secondly because you attracted this person into your life so you have to do something with this / learn from it…

You may notice that if your partner suffers from fear of commitment that you are in an unhealthy dynamic together and that it causes a lot of unrest and drama, if you do not work on yourself it can take a long time before the processes are completed because they are often unconscious and start within yourself

And even though you may know what beliefs, behaviors or patterns you have, it is often hidden so far away that you cannot change it.

If you are looking for support in this, I can coach you and help you to let go of certain patterns that block true love.