Influence of attachment style
How do you get an insecure attachment?
How do you get rid of it again?

As children, we need our parents for our survival, so children will try to attract the attention of their parents (in a certain way) to bring them to them or to make them respond to certain needs. If a parent regularly does NOT respond to a child’s needs or deals with them differently (every time they interact), the child learns that it cannot count on one or both parents. This will change a child’s behavior and create certain beliefs about him/her self, his parents and the world around him/her. Because a child is completely dependent on a parent or caregiver for its survival, it will normally respond in a certain way when the child is separated (It might start crying for example) from one of the parents and will also respond in a certain way upon the return of one of the parents (for example with joy or clinging to them).

Somehow this is something that is built into us as humans to increase our chances of survival. As soon as there is danger (the absence of the parent(s) or caregiver(s))) certain behavior will be activated in the child to keep the parent(s) close.

The lack of a stable relationship with a parent or caregiver causes a child to bond differently. What is the point of continuing to respond to the absence of one of the parents if this is a ‘normal’ situation, a child learns that there is no response to his/her behavior and ‘adapts’ to the (new) ‘normal’ or unlearns the ‘built-in’ mechanism. The first years of life in particular are very important for a child’s development.

A child will perform behavior that is rewarded more often, so if no one does anything with the ‘cry’ for attention, the child will eventually give up and know that no one will respond to it. However, a child will initially make even more effort to get the attention it desires, after all, this is something that is so ‘built-in’ for survival, a baby or small child needs a parent or caregiver to survive. Likewise, there is no point in letting a baby cry a little longer because otherwise it would supposedly only cry more, the baby’s behavior is intended to get the parents close, so it will only become more frustrated and experience stress if nobody reacts to him/her crying.

If a child’s behavior is usually rewarded by reassuring the child, picking him up or comforting him, he knows that he can trust his parents and will feel mostly safe. Such parents or educators are called ‘sensitive responsive’, they respond to the child’s needs. There is also consistency, they do not react differently from one time to another. So they are predictable and reliable. Unlike some other parents who sometimes react lovingly and other times rejectingly. But of course there are also other ways of separating from the parents, such as the death of one (or both) parent(s), if your parents give you up for adoption, or if one of your parents is temporarily hospitalized.

Your attachment style says something about the way you can build and maintain emotional bonds with others, especially in close relationships (such as family ties, friendships and romantic relationships). Attachment theory, developed by psychiatrist John Bowlby, assumes that there are different attachment styles that mainly have to do with how reliable and calculable the parents or caregivers were while a child was growing up. Did the child receive the loving attention and affirmation that was needed? Were the parents present? Or was one of the parents sick or was there a sick baby brother or sister that absorbed all the time and energy?

Also fights, arguments and discussions can severely influence how safe the child felt while groing up. All these things (and many more situations…) play a very important role in the way you are attached.

There are four major attachment styles:

1. Secure Attachment: People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable being emotionally close to others and trust that their caregivers are available to meet their needs. They have a positive view of themselves and others, and are generally able to form healthy and satisfying relationships. They carry this trust into all their relationships because they have basically learned that others are there for them when they need them.

2. Anxious-preoccupied attachment (also called anxious ambivalent): People with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style tend to worry about being abandoned or unloved. They often seek enormous amounts of validation and reassurance from their partners because their parents may not have been completely reliable or present. They may experience intense emotions dominated by fear and insecurity, they may feel unworthy of love and therefore fear abandonment.

3. Avoidant-dismissive attachment (also called simply avoidant): People with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style tend to avoid emotional connection with others. They may be uncomfortable with intimacy and have a strong need for independence. They may downplay the importance of relationships and appear emotionally distant, often due to past experiences of rejection or neglect.

4. Anxious-Avoidant Attachment: People with an anxious-avoidant attachment style have conflicting desires for both intimacy and independence. They often fear rejection and hesitate to get too close to others. They may have a negative view of themselves and others, which leads to problems establishing and maintaining relationships.

Attachment styles are not completely fixed and through certain types of therapy, among other things, you can ultimately gain more confidence, allowing you to slowly leave your old attachment style behind. Early attachment experiences often have a lot of influence on the attachment styles of adults, but this can certainly be changed with a lot of patience and inner work.

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