Chanoe van Dijk

Fear of Commitment & Fear of Abandonment: control, lack of faith and more...

Fear of commitment and fear of abandonment often occur in combination with each other, you often actually have both fears. Fear is always a lack of trust and we always need some form of safety and security, or ‘control’, control has a negative association for me, it means that you are not in the ‘surrender’ mode and don’t dare to trust that happiness is yours. It strikes me that it often occurs with people who take life too seriously because of their childhood / youth (most of the time there were some traumatic events), it is often people with an analytical character who want to understand everything. For people who are familiar with Astrology, I have the feeling that there is often a lot of Scorpio in the horoscope, so as a Zodiac sign or, for example, as a Moon sign or Rising Sign or that there is a certain connection in your horoscope with Pluto that makes you more intense and ‘different’ (at least in your experience). What I also often hear from clients is that they don’t feel at home here on earth, they often miss that real deeper connection with others, but they may also be afraid of it. People with fear of commitment often also have a form of fear of failure or fear of new things, you can be less open in life and may even have or develop agoraphobia or other fears or phobias. As a coach I have already been able to support many people in this, I understand exactly how you feel.

If you are dealing with someone who has a fear of commitment, you probably have another form of fear, namely separation anxiety. Your feelings and mind are probably in conflict and you look at the core of someone, you know that they behave this way out of a certain pain and that is why they don’t fully commit to you. You want to be there for the other and therefore you may forget your own limits and needs. Even though you know / feel that it might be better to break contact, you still can’t, it feels like you can’t let them go.

It may be that this pattern has already arisen in your childhood or youth (for example, because you were adopted / violence in the family / divorced parents) or only in love relationships (at a slightly older age), you may have also seen such a pattern with your parents that one had to adapt every time to keep the other satisfied, so that one gave more than the other. There are also relationships that are dysfunctional but somehow still ‘work’ (survive). Breaking patterns that you have already seen (and often adopted) in your childhood is difficult but not impossible. Traumas can also play a role in the development of fear of commitment or fear of abandonment.

In my opinion, the standard rules about dating, flirting and relationships are also based on a man and woman who are out of balance. The male energy likes to ‘hunt’ and the female likes to be ‘conquered’. The man who loses interest after he has ‘conquered’ the woman has, in my opinion, a form of fear of commitment and/or fear of abandonment, if you really feel comfortable in your own skin then you don’t want to play ‘games’ and consciously or unconsciously hurt other people and then true love is the ‘icing’ on the cake. The reason why a man withdraws from the contact can therefore be because you yourself unconsciously ‘want too much’ which creates a forced energy, so it is not your ‘fault’ but it is no coincidence if you keep attracting the same superficial type who withdraws the moment you really open up or show interest.

The other says that 'the feeling is gone', now what?​ ​

Where there is fear there can be no love, that is, as soon as someone gets too close, fear can get in the way of the feelings (of love). Someone may think that there are no more feelings because fear arises. These feelings of fear, confusion and insecurity drive the behavior/pattern of attraction and repulsion.

How can you heal / cure this pattern? ​

First of all it is not some kind of ‘disease’ there is nothing ‘wrong’ with you or the other person, but you need to become aware that these patterns stem from certain imbalances, beliefs and/or traumas. It can even be something from your parents, grandparents or more generations ago, I can find out all of this for you.


These intense patterns / dynamics can sometimes cause confusion and you may think that you are (or have been) dealing with a narcissistic person.

I find the precise definition of narcissism a tricky thing…

The question is also whether someone is born ‘bad’ or whether someone has created a protection mechanism through traumas etc. to protect themselves against pain. I think in many cases it is a protection mechanism, but if the other person is not open to change and does not want to work on themselves, then it is better to let it go (for now) and focus the energy on yourself (to work on yourself and become more balanced). Someone with a narcissistic personality disorder generally has a big ego, lacks emotions, wants power, manipulates and is extremely jealous. In addition, there may also be physical or verbal violence. If someone deliberately belittles you and there is violence, abuse of power and / or manipulation, I think this falls under the heading of narcissism. In many other cases, I feel that the behavior is (seriously) disturbed by too much ‘pain’.

Whatever the reason is, it’s not your job to rescue or help the other person if they mistreat you. Always put yourself first!

What are the consequences of fear of commitment?​

Often these dynamics are a vicious circle, your faith in love is getting smaller and smaller because you get to see time and time again that love is indeed a big disappointment. You meet someone, you start dating, maybe get into a (short) relationship and then it breaks down and there is the phase of attracting and repelling or maybe all of a sudden the contact is completely shut down and there is no contact (for ages)….

The fact that you are reading here now means that you are asking questions about your own patterns and that there is a bit of awareness. If you want help with this, you can Book a reading or healing by clicking here.

Remember that these themes and patterns are normally very deep, 1 healing can change a lot, but your problems did not arise in 1 day and these might be patterns that yo have carried with you for years. If you really want to get started with yourself, the best option is to take on the 8-month program (Find Your Innerself), I will help you find yourself again and let go of old layers that stand in the way of your happiness!


I’m Chanoe and from a young age I felt different. I have a deep interest in the meaning of life and how we can shape our lives the way we want through the Law of Attraction.

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Through this program you will gain a lot of insights into yourself, break patterns and therefore become more balanced so that you can attract more happiness, love, wealth and abundance in every area of ​​life in your life.

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Chanoe van Dijk

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