Chanoe van Dijk

Fear (Fear of Commitment & Fear of Abandonment)​

I see fear of commitment and fear of abandonment as some sort of symptom (expression) of an underlying deeper cause. Anxiety is a lack of confidence and therefore causes stress and can also cause physical complaints and psychological complaints (in addition to fear of commitment or fear of abandonment). Hyperventilation, anxiety disorders or panic attacks, for example, are typical complaints that in some cases occur in people who also suffer from fear of commitment and/or fear of abandonment.

You are probably reading this because you have experienced this pattern one or more times and have had a lot of heartbreak from it. Maybe you recently had to let go of someone because the attracting and repelling made you go crazy, or you are still in the middle of an instable relationship in which you or the other (regularly) need time and space for yourself. Not being able to really be yourself for fear of losing the other person and therefore feeling the need to lie or having to deal with (extreme) jealousy can all be part of this fear(s).

Fear of commitment and unreachable, distant people ​

If you have a fear of commitment, you are unconsciously looking for someone who is not really emotional available, you want to keep a certain freedom and independence, perhaps because you are afraid of losing yourself and getting too absorbed in the other / the relationship. You can fall for someone who is too busy with work or a hobby or opt for a long distance relationship. This fear can be related to the attachment from your childhood, but even if your childhood/youth/upbringing was nice and you come from a warm family, you can still develop fear of commitment and/or fear of abandonment.​

Causes of fear of commitment & separation anxiety

Other traumas you have had to deal with can also be the trigger to develop a protection mechanism.

These fears can often also occur in combination with, for example, ADHD, ADD, autism, depression, HSP (high sensitivity) or other characteristics such as being a perfectionist or really critical (often this is also because of uncertainty / fear), not being able to make choices or being an all or nothing person (black and white) (for example impulsively ending or starting things).

What I believe is the cause is an imbalance in body and/or mind.

The intestines, for example, have a major influence on the brain. Just think about the following, the brain is important for mood (do you feel happy or sad?) and has to do with fears. The thyroid also has an impact on our life force energy and on experiencing fears or living in confidence. In addition to coaching and tarot readings, I also provide healing and Holistic Nutrition Advice. The hormones are very important for our mood and our behavior, how we feel depends to a large extent on whether our body is in balance.

From a spiritual point of view, I also often see imbalances in the chakras and not just the heart chakra. The root chakra, which stands for safety, survival, grounding, is also often out of balance. In addition, the solar plexus chakra, which has to do with strength and self-confidence, can also be out of balance and of course the other chakras can also be out of balance!

You would think that love is often stronger than fear and that someone can consciously choose to go for it and face the fear. This can happen in some cases, but then you have to be quite aware of certain patterns and behavior and what exactly is happening because the bad feelings will make you want to distance yourself (in case of fear of commitment). Then you only seek rapprochement again when this feeling has subsided, in some cases this can take weeks or months, sometimes even years. The person with fear of commitment chooses to let it go because he does not associate this with love but with fear, confusion, insecurity and he / she will want to escape this feeling. You may have questions in your head like “Is he coming back?” And ‘Didn’t it mean anything then? Was my feeling wrong?’, it may indeed be that your feeling was not ‘right’ and that there is still too much ‘noise’ on the line that causes you to subconsciously sabotage yourself and only fall for emotionally unattainable women/men. You can feel this best yourself, if you want advice on this or insight into a previous or current relationship, you can do so via a tarot reading + coaching via whatsapp. Click here to book a reading.

How to solve this pattern? ​

You can no longer deny or ignore the pattern, it may have already had a lot of impact on your life, your love relationships and it probably also influenced other connections and intimacy enormously, living with fear makes ‘real connection’ very difficult. Recognizing / acknowledging is step 1, this creates an opening through which you can overcome it.

Fear of Commitment, player or not the right person?

Tips to see the difference:

How I experience it is that you will feel this difference, many women that I have coached have experienced this pattern several times and in your heart you feel / know when there is or isn’t a deeper connection. Ask yourself, is the feeling based on ‘feelings’ and nothing else? So falling in love while the other treats you badly, for example? Or did you really have a good time together, many similarities / recognition and immediately that familiar feeling? Or do you also have doubts / gnawing feeling somewhere and are your feelings and mind in conflict? Often you also get signs on your path such as similarities between you, that you think; ‘That’s strange’ or ‘Gosh coincidence’… in short, it is difficult to explain when there is a fear of commitment, a player or whether it is just not the right one for you… what often happens is that people with a fear of commitment can behave like a ‘player’, they are only looking for the ‘rush’ of conquering but cannot commit. They just want confirmation to their ego that they are “good enough.” And whether or not it’s the right one (although someone might have a fear of commitment or be acting like a player right now, only time will tell and I might be able to give you some insights into that). I would like to tell you that your feelings & intuition is a good advisor but unfortunately that is often not true because of fear.

Remember that these themes and patterns are normally very deep, 1 healing can change a lot, but your problems did not arise in 1 day and these might be patterns that yo have carried with you for years. If you really want to get started with yourself, the best option is to take on the 8-month program (Find Your Innerself), I will help you find yourself again and let go of old layers that stand in the way of your happiness!

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I’m Chanoe and from a young age I felt different. I have a deep interest in the meaning of life and how we can shape our lives the way we want through the Law of Attraction.

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Chanoe van Dijk

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